[Author's other note: The formatting here is not technically kosher as far as teleplays go, but, unless someone else feels like showing me how to make Blogger format the way I want to, this will have to suffice for now. And now, on with our show...]
FADE IN:
INT. ONN NEWSROOM—DAY
ANDREA BENNETT
Breaking news in the ongoing presidential race: in an election that by now seemed pretty much black and white, celebrity chef-turned-talk show host Rachel Ray has tossed a new ingredient into the mix, making for a political combination of delish proportions. Yesterday, on the aptly named Rachel Ray Show, the perky 30-Minute Meals creator invited a surprise guest onto the program and announced before a live audience that she was endorsing his bid for the presidency. With us now is political analyst Roger Gibbons, to offer us his view on a developing situation that has some political insiders complaining about too many cooks in the campaign kitchen. Hi Roger, thanks for being with us.EXT. CAPITOL HILL
ROGER GIBBONS
Good to be here, Andrea.INTERCUT – ONN NEWSROOM / EXT. CAPITOL HILL
ANDREA
Now, this new candidate, Dennis Ku- Kuci—?ROGER
Kucinich. Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Ohio.ANDREA
Right.ROGER
Actually, the funny thing is he’s technically not a “new” candidate.ANDREA
No? He’s run before, then?ROGER
Yes, in the presidential election of ’04, and, well, this one.ANDREA
Excuse me, Roger, did I hear you correctly? This congressman, Kuci- Kuci—ROGER
Kucinich.ANDREA
Right. He’s been a candidate all along? What is he, Independent? Socialist?ROGER
Well, he was a candidate for the Democrat nomination, but he withdrew from the race in January. Basically, his problem was that he was running on a platform promoting peace, positive foreign relations, improvement of education, nuclear disarmament, and the environment. He was too controversial: he hadn’t cheated on his wife, been implicated in illegal campaign funding, lied about being under hostile fire during visits to war-torn countries, or even planned invading other countries, and possessed no noticeable contempt for the working classes. In essence, he was just too dull for the American public to seriously consider him for the presidency.ANDREA
But that’s all changed now.ROGER
Yes. Congressman Kucinich’s appearance yesterday on The Rachel Ray Show, and Ms. Ray’s comment, quote, “You seem like such a wonderful, caring guy, if you were still running, I’d vote for you,” seems to have completely turned around the public’s lack of perception of him. Polling results from late last night indicated a tremendous surge in support for Kucinich, and, as of this morning, his spokespeople have announced that he has re-entered his bid for the Democrat nomination.ANDREA
Well, thank you, Roger. Let’s go now to our correspondent James Hickey, at Congressman Kuci- Kuci- at the candidate’s new headquarters. James, what’s happening there?EXT. RACHEL RAY PRODUCTION OFFICES
JAMES HICKEY
I am standing outside Kucinich Campaign Headquarters, operating out of the production offices of The Rachel Ray Show. Neither the congressman nor Ms. Ray have been available for comment thus far, but as you can see behind me, there is a tremendous amount of activity taking place. The money and the volunteers are pouring in, and word has it that Rachel Ray has invented a new kind of cookie, which she is calling a “Kookinich,” in order to better promote what some people are now calling “her” candidate. I have with me one of Mr. Kucinich’s new, eager supporters here with me… ma’am, why have you decided to support this candidate?SUPPORTER
Well, I don’t really know who this Kucinich guy is, but I love Rachel Ray. Her 30-Minute Meals are the best! If she thinks this guy has what it takes, that’s good enough for me. You know, I think we could be really good friends—me and Rachel, I mean.JAMES
And your thoughts on the candidate himself?SUPPORTER
He seems really, really polite.JAMES
There you have it, the enthusiastic support for a powerful new political force.INT. ONN NEWSROOM
ANDREA
Thanks, James. It turns out, not everyone is thrilled by the re-entry of Dennis Kucinich into the presidential race. Obviously, his fellow democrat Senator Obama cannot be pleased with the competition, but Republicans seem more concerned about the woman endorsing him, herself: Rachel Ray was recently embroiled in scandal when she appeared in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad sporting, what some critics are claiming to be, a keffiyeh, the traditional Arab scarf that many conservatives consider to be a symbol of Islamic jihad. Ms. Ray’s spokesperson insisted that she was wearing a simple paisley-patterned shawl, but this, combined with her recent foray into “extreme leftist politics” have some wondering whether she is a threat to national security. Joining us now is Marcus Lorin, spokesman for the group Culinary Graduates for Truth. Marcus, Welcome.MARCUS LORIN
Thanks for having me.ANDREA
Now yours is a bipartisan group, made up of graduates and staff of the—is this right? The CIA?MARCUS
Yes, the Culinary Institute of America.ANDREA
What is your stance in this matter of Rachel Ray endorsing Congressman Kucinich’s campaign?MARCUS
Andrea, we are not a political organization. We simply want to set the record straight, and reverse some of the horrifying damage Rachel Ray has caused in the world of haute cuisine. This is a person—an untrained, uncertified chef, I might add—who has been degrading the art of cooking with her shoddy recipes, pre-prepared ingredients, and sloppy methods, not to mention her introduction of appalling words such as “Yum-o” and “Evoo” into the culinary vocabulary. Furthermore, in light of her recent actions in the political sphere, we now feel obliged to come forward and declare that Rachel Ray is unfit to endorse any candidate, based on her willful perversion of the practices of true chefs, and her withholding and distortion of material facts on how to go about preparing a dish. I mean, come on, 30-minute meals? First, the food is crap. Second, it takes way longer than 30 minutes to even prepare it! Rachel Ray’s deliberate misrepresentation of the nature and effectiveness of her cooking methods begs the question: what else might she be capable of in misleading the American public?ANDREA
So your issue is not with the candidate, but rather the person endorsing him?MARCUS
Our issue is with anyone who aligns themselves with this charlatan chef, and to question their methods and motives along with hers.ANDREA
So you will be investigating Congressman Kucinich as well?MARCUS
Oh, absolutely.ANDREA
Now, will your group be conducting this search in collaboration with any federal agencies? The other CIA, perhaps?MARCUS
No, we can see how that could be amusing, but we don’t want to be seen as overreacting to this situation. We will be limiting our cooperation to the FBI, Department of Homeland Security, NSA, and National Guard, in order to take down Rachel Ray and her Axis of Evoo.ANDREA
Thank you, Marcus Lorin, of the Culinary Graduates for Truth. This just in, in a move to support fundraising efforts for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, Rachel Ray has just created the “Kuciwich”, a sandwich that she is calling “the Sammie of Presidents.” Think sloppy joes… but less white trash. This will be sure to help garner some support in the… er, working class community. Now, after we come back, some real news: the plastic fruit diet fad that has been sweeping the nation… some doctors are suggesting it may have some negative effects on your digestive tract. Stay tuned.FADE OUT.
